Login or register!
Loading ...

Funny Quotes

loading...
Funny Quotes
337 funny quotes follow in order of popularity. Be sure to bookmark and share your favorite funny quotes!
"Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems."
-Matt Groening
Like Dislike Vote
"Isn't it funny that anything the Supreme Court says is right?"
-Robert Frost
Like Dislike Vote
"Me fail english? Thats unpossible."
-Matt Groening
Like Dislike Vote
"There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened."
-Douglas Adams
Like Dislike Vote
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
-Erma Bombeck
Like Dislike Vote
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
-Erma Bombeck
Like Dislike Vote
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
-Erma Bombeck
Like Dislike Vote
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
-George W. Bush
Like Dislike Vote
"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!"
-Stephen Wright
Like Dislike Vote
"I used to have a sign over my computer that read OLD DOGS CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS, but lately I sometimes ask myself how many more new tricks I want to learn. Wouldn't it be easier just to be outdated?"
-Ram Dass
Like Dislike Vote
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row.""
-Stephen Wright
Like Dislike Vote
"I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."
-Tommy Cooper
Like Dislike Vote
"If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
-Dan Castellaneta
Like Dislike Vote
"Garry Shandling always said to me,'Don't get mad, get funny.' It changed my life."
-Rip Torn
Like Dislike Vote
"I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."
-Dan Castellaneta
Like Dislike Vote
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty."
-Joe E. Lewis
Like Dislike Vote
"Health Canada reports that the infection rate for chlamydia in Saskatoon is twice the national average, making it the chlamydia capital of Canada. Montreal has vowed to get their title back."
-Rick Mercer
Like Dislike Vote
"Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail."
-Dan Castellaneta
Like Dislike Vote
"Underwear. It's like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked."
-Pete Wentz
Like Dislike Vote
"I said 'George, if you want to end world tyranny, you have to stay up later.' Nine o'clock and Mr. Excitement here is in bed, leaving me to watch 'Desperate Housewives' with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife."
-Laura Bush
Like Dislike Vote
"It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face."
-Popular Saying
Like Dislike Vote
"Action, Ability and Awareness (in that order) the 3 keys to success."
-Joshua Estrin
Like Dislike Vote
"If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates."
-Howard Zinn
Like Dislike Vote
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-Jerry Seinfeld
Like Dislike Vote
"Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down."
-Robert Orben
Like Dislike Vote
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."
-Jack Handy
Like Dislike Vote
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else."
-Will Rogers
Like Dislike Vote
"Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you're trying to kill someone by chopping their head off, rolling them up in a carpet and lighting it on fire, you better make sure they're dead!"
-Colin Mochrie
Like Dislike Vote
| Page 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
Array ( [quote] => Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you're trying to kill someone by chopping their head off, rolling them up in a carpet and lighting it on fire, you better make sure they're dead! [q_id] => 135924 [author_name] => Colin Mochrie [next_name] => Future [last_name] => Funerals [cat_name] => Funny )
Future >>>
<<< Funerals