Woody Allen Quotes

"We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi."
-Woody Allen

"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7', it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."
-Woody Allen

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
-Woody Allen

"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. "
-Woody Allen

"Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib."
-Woody Allen

"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?"
-Woody Allen

"Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end."
-Woody Allen

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
-Woody Allen

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
-Woody Allen in Life quotes.

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
-Woody Allen

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead."
-Woody Allen

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
-Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Woody Allen

"For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal."
-Woody Allen

"The wicked at heart probably know something."
-Woody Allen

"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
-Woody Allen

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
-Woody Allen

"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
-Woody Allen

"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."
-Woody Allen in Crime quotes.

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
-Woody Allen

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
-Woody Allen

"Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage."
-Woody Allen

"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."
-Woody Allen in Marriage quotes.

"Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird."
-Woody Allen

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."
-Woody Allen

"Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience: Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until one's demands are met. Phoning members of the 'establishment' and singing 'Bess, You Is My Woman Now' into the phone. Dressing as a policeman and then skipping. Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass."
-Woody Allen

"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."
-Woody Allen in Music quotes.