Tim Vine Quotes

"So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"."
-Tim Vine

"But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."
-Tim Vine

"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red."
-Tim Vine

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
-Tim Vine

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
-Tim Vine

"I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down."
-Tim Vine

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'"
-Tim Vine

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
-Tim Vine