Steven Wright Quotes

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
-Steven Wright

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-Steven Wright

"Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture."
-Steven Wright

"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
-Steven Wright

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
-Steven Wright

"My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed."
-Steven Wright

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
-Steven Wright

"Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
-Steven Wright

"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!"
-Steven Wright

"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic."
-Steven Wright

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
-Steven Wright

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect."
-Steven Wright

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."
-Steven Wright

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
-Steven Wright

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
-Steven Wright

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
-Steven Wright

"I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add."
-Steven Wright

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"
-Steven Wright

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
-Steven Wright

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
-Steven Wright

"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
-Steven Wright

"They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."
-Steven Wright

"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes."
-Steven Wright

"You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time."
-Steven Wright

"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
-Steven Wright

"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"
-Steven Wright

"I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open."
-Steven Wright