Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
-Mitch Hedberg

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
-Mitch Hedberg

"I haven't slept for a whole week, because that would be too long."
-Mitch Hedberg

"With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'"
-Mitch Hedberg

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
-Mitch Hedberg in Food quotes.

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
-Mitch Hedberg

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
-Mitch Hedberg

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
-Mitch Hedberg

"I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
-Mitch Hedberg

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
-Mitch Hedberg