Jon Stewart Quotes

"Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success."
-Jon Stewart

"I always knew I shouldn't have said that."
-Jon Stewart

"Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?""
-Jon Stewart in Army quotes.

"Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote."
-Jon Stewart in Humor quotes.

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."
-Jon Stewart

"Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid."
-Jon Stewart

"There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is."
-Jon Stewart

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken.Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
-Jon Stewart