Joan Rivers Quotes

"Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery."
-Joan Rivers

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
-Joan Rivers

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
-Joan Rivers

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
-Joan Rivers

"I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor."
-Joan Rivers

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
-Joan Rivers in Gifts quotes.

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
-Joan Rivers in Advice quotes.

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
-Joan Rivers in Funny quotes.

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
-Joan Rivers

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom."
-Joan Rivers

"I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial."
-Joan Rivers

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them."
-Joan Rivers

"There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl."
-Joan Rivers

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
-Joan Rivers

"You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again."
-Joan Rivers