Jimmy Fallon Quotes

"A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing!""
-Jimmy Fallon

"Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model."
-Jimmy Fallon

"Hey baby, do you like fine cooking? Cause you know what? I got Swanson's Dinner in the freezer with your name on it.""
-Jimmy Fallon

"They say a dog is a man´s best friend.That´s if you´re lucky enough to get one of those "friendly" dogs."
-Jimmy Fallon

"New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs."
-Jimmy Fallon

"I often try to reassure myself by saying, "Well, at least it can´t get any worse." But the truth is, it always can. And that´s what really terrifies me."
-Jimmy Fallon

"When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be."
-Jimmy Fallon

"Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, "Thank you?""
-Jimmy Fallon