Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-Jerry Seinfeld in Funny quotes.

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""
-Jerry Seinfeld in Doing your best quotes.

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
-Jerry Seinfeld in Funny quotes.

"I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!"
-Jerry Seinfeld

"Men want the same thing from women that they want from their underwear... a little support, comfort, and freedom."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'"
-Jerry Seinfeld

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out.""
-Jerry Seinfeld

"Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.""
-Jerry Seinfeld in Sex quotes.

"Men want the same thing from women and their underwear: support, comfort, and freedom."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-Jerry Seinfeld