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Jack Handy Quotes

Currently viewing quotes 1 - 9 of 9 by Jack Handy

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This collection of Jack Handy quotes is arranged by popularity as voted by our users for your enjoyment.
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."
-Jack Handy in Funny quotes.
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."
-Jack Handy
"If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting."
-Jack Handy in God quotes.
"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!"
-Jack Handy
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."
-Jack Handy
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."
-Jack Handy
"The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?"
-Jack Handy
"The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman."
-Jack Handy
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
-Jack Handy
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