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Henny Youngman Quotes

Currently viewing quotes 0 - 17 of 17 by Henny Youngman

This collection of Henny Youngman quotes is arranged by popularity as voted by our users for your enjoyment. If you enjoy these quotes, be sure to check out others from famous comedians!
"A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single….""
-Henny Youngman
Like 205 Dislike 8
"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out."
-Henny Youngman
Like 199 Dislike 0
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
-Henny Youngman
Like 179 Dislike 0
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
-Henny Youngman
Like 170 Dislike 0
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
-Henny Youngman
Like 167 Dislike 0
"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."
-Henny Youngman
Like 164 Dislike 0
"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in- law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in."
-Henny Youngman
Like 164 Dislike 8
"A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!""
-Henny Youngman
Like 163 Dislike 1
"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."
-Henny Youngman
Like 159 Dislike 1
"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."
-Henny Youngman
Like 150 Dislike 4
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
-Henny Youngman in Atheism quotes.
Like 142 Dislike 11
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
-Henny Youngman
Like 132 Dislike 0
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
-Henny Youngman
Like 131 Dislike 2
"Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner....""
-Henny Youngman
Like 106 Dislike 0
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
-Henny Youngman
Like 50 Dislike 8
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