Groucho Marx Quotes

"While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know."
-Groucho Marx

"My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
-Groucho Marx in Children quotes.

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
-Groucho Marx

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
-Groucho Marx

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
-Groucho Marx in Age quotes.

"Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!"
-Groucho Marx

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
-Groucho Marx in Children quotes.

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
-Groucho Marx in Books quotes.

"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
-Groucho Marx

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
-Groucho Marx

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."
-Groucho Marx

"If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go."
-Groucho Marx

"She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party."
-Groucho Marx

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."
-Groucho Marx in Money quotes.

"I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that."
-Groucho Marx

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx in Books quotes.

"Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog."
-Groucho Marx

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
-Groucho Marx

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
-Groucho Marx

"I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it."
-Groucho Marx

"I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
-Groucho Marx

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
-Groucho Marx

"Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse."
-Groucho Marx

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."
-Groucho Marx

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
-Groucho Marx in Funny quotes.

"You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!"
-Groucho Marx