George Carlin Quotes

"A distressing gap exists between the public's expectations for retirement and the reality."
-George Carlin

"I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free."
-George Carlin

"At my age, 62, I have no grand illusions about a career in show business. But after all these years, this is a wonderful trophy. I really feel terrific about it. This says a real and legitimate record company values our work."
-George Carlin

"Developers must look at integrated impacts that do not stop at the boundary lines of their properties."
-George Carlin

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."
-George Carlin in Authority quotes.

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
-George Carlin

"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?"
-George Carlin

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? "
-George Carlin

"As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything."
-George Carlin

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."
-George Carlin in Funny quotes.

"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
-George Carlin

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
-George Carlin in Fear quotes.

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ..."
-George Carlin

"One of the ways to chip away at the financial literacy problem in our country is to get to the kids early and let them develop positive behaviors and attitudes."
-George Carlin

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'"
-George Carlin

"Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it."
-George Carlin

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
-George Carlin

"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
-George Carlin

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
-George Carlin

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
-George Carlin

"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? "
-George Carlin

"Your grandchild understands that money can grow with something called interest. That's a powerful concept for a 5-year-old."
-George Carlin

"Its never just a game when you're winning."
-George Carlin

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"
-George Carlin

"I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions."
-George Carlin

"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions."
-George Carlin

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."
-George Carlin