Dave Barry Quotes

"What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series."
-Dave Barry

"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
-Dave Barry in Writing quotes.

"I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."
-Dave Barry

"As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved."
-Dave Barry

"At the time, it was the right thing for our team. We think we made ourselves better in the long run and it helped build the team we have now."
-Dave Barry

"The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment."
-Dave Barry

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
-Dave Barry in Maturity quotes.

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
-Dave Barry

"Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath."
-Dave Barry

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
-Dave Barry

"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."
-Dave Barry

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."
-Dave Barry in Drinking quotes.

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
-Dave Barry in Youth quotes.

"Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers."
-Dave Barry in Funny quotes.

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."
-Dave Barry

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."
-Dave Barry in Golf quotes.

"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes."
-Dave Barry

"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
-Dave Barry

"What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."
-Dave Barry

"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter."
-Dave Barry in Funny quotes.

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."
-Dave Barry in Scientists quotes.

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-Dave Barry

"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it."
-Dave Barry

"On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays: fear."
-Dave Barry

"We always seem to play well against the good teams in the league so we're confident when we bring our best game that we can do well against anybody. But our special teams have to be better than they were (yesterday)."
-Dave Barry

"We're happy we won 7-1, but momentum can change in five minutes."
-Dave Barry

"If you give David Bolland five seconds in the slot like that, he's probably going to get off a pretty good shot. It's a little frustrating to come here and play two good games and have nothing to show for it. But we'll just have to win at home -- turn it into a homer (series)."
-Dave Barry