Billy Connolly Quotes

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
-Billy Connolly

"There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter."
-Billy Connolly

"What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?"
-Billy Connolly

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
-Billy Connolly

"I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days.."
-Billy Connolly

"I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do."
-Billy Connolly

"The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?"
-Billy Connolly

"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things."
-Billy Connolly